By Jennifer Stewart
And for the past however long; I’ve had all my things packed away. So, now that I’m leaving pretty soon; I thought it be a great idea to get rid of the stuff, sell it, and throw it – whatever! Bit of a soul cleansing job! I’ve begun sorting through things and firstly, I’d just like to say – I’m only 26 and I had three massive loads of stuff! From dining tables, beds, washing machine to the smaller things i.e. one billion toys, Barbies etc. Then there’s all that super personal shit right – that you wanted to throw away years ago;
but you couldn’t, so you didn’t.
Admittedly, I had a little moment while sorting through some old letters/cards/photos. My girlfriend that was with me, who knows me very well noticed I was having a tough time coping sorting through memories of myself and my daughter’s father. Ten years of memories; that was super tough. She was there for me; I said to her “sorry, it’s just a bit emotional for me” to which she just replied “Jen, you are allowed to cry”
I love the support I have of my friends and family, its unconditional – and the most supportive network of helpers you’ll ever have!
As i was sorting through that emotional stuff I came across about 10 cards from my daughters father; all beginning with “I’m so sorry” “please forgive me” etc. Now these letters were spread over a period of ten years. When the reality of the repetitive behaviour sunk in as I was reading through them all, I had tears in my eyes and my chest got really tight as I said to my friend “ it’s funny how I never saw the obvious, for so long. And now I sit here reading all of these and sit back and think they’re all the fucking same- just different dates” and I was so in love with him. Like so dearly in love with that man & for a very long time remained in a relationship that wasn’t only unhealthy for all concerned but more importantly – so oblivious to the severity of the negative & violent incidents!
Now, I’m not sexist by any means; regardless of the amount of failed relationships I’ve been in with men and despite the violent situations I’ve been a part of in the past –
I do not hate men. That’s just fucking stupid.
Firstly – half of the problem was me, my attitude and my own wrong doings in a sense of selfishness – I love my freedom and I didn’t stop to think sometimes how my decisions would affect my partner; and most of the time – I didn’t care.
Right now – I am cleansing my future of my past and beginning the next amazing chapter of my life!
It’s all happening – new beginnings .
Cleanse your soul x